LOVE is a Four letter LIE
by Ashterbowden
Summary: My mom 'loved' me, but she abandoned me. Dimitri 'loved' me, but he left me. Lissa 'loved' me but she threw me away. And I thought some small part of Adrian 'loved' me, until the day he hit me. Full Summary inside. :
1. Prologue

_FULL SUMMARY:_

Life for Rosemarie Hathaway has never been easy. Once a run-away, turned disobedient student who went rogue after the forced awakening of her beloved mentor. All to do the impossible-turn a Strigoi back to there original state- and be rejected. Then Accused of murder and on the run. There she found love all over again - only to have it ripped away all over again.

It has been 4 years since LS. Dimitri and Rose have broken up and Dimitri went to Russia while rose was sent out to Montana to teach at St. Vladimir. But not all is as it seems. When Rose is sent to retrieve Dimitri from Baia, he notices that she has changed. Her fiery temper is gone, she no longer laughs or has snarky comments. She flinches when he moves too quickly. Lissa has all but abandoned Rose due to spiritual darkness. Christian won't go against Lissa. What happened to Rose?

* * *

><p><em>"Maybe I just ran out of band-aids, I don t even know where to start. Cause you can bandage the damage. You never really can fix a heart<em>." Fix a Heart - Demi Lovato

The term '_dying' _has many different meanings. It can be literal, in which the person in question becomes deceased, or it can be figurative. The figurative meaning can be emotional or perhaps it s meant to be more of a loose term. Bent to fit the momentary meaning of the user. . . much like the words love or hate. You can '_love' _ something simply because you feel the joy of possessing it. Or you can '_love' _a person or a place or even a thing just because you can. The actual emotion doesn't need to be present in order for one to use the word. Same for Hate .

I learned what it felt like to emotionally die the day the love of my life left me. I remember the emptiness of how it felt when he told me he would always '_love' _ me before turning away and walking out of my life without so much as a backwards glance or a moment of hesitation. That was the day I learned that he may have claimed to 'love' me, but the actual emotion was never really there when he lied to me. And that's what he did, because how do you consistently break the person you 'love'? That s easy enough to answer because there is no such thing as love.

My mom 'loved' my dad, but she left him. My mom 'loved' me, but she abandoned me. Dimitri 'loved' me, but he left me. Christian's parents 'loved' him, but they became soulless monsters and tried to turn him into the same. Lissa 'loved' me but she threw me away. And I thought some small part of Adrian 'loved' me, until the day he hit me.

Someone once said that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

I have to say that I disagree.

Because I learned the hard way that LOVE is a four letter LIE.


	2. Crying For Me

**A/N: The first few chapters are all flashbacks. I m giving you some background before I really dive into the plot line. :) Thank you to Lena1997, Extremedimka, rdlacaj, kiki1975, thegentle, piff818, Bragi002, sunside, rupertrawk, missa27, mommafox, vampireangelranger, sunayn4sho, and ForeverILive for your guys support! Whether it was simply to favorite me or story alert my Fanfic, or reviewing, it really meant a lot to me. :) Also, I was wondering if someone could tell me what exactly a beta is? I m new to writing Fanfic s so I don t really know what everything is yet, all I really know is that a lot of authors have mentioned them.**

Chapter One: Flowers For A Ghost

"_I feel these four walls closing in, face up against the glass, I'm looking out. 'Is this my life' I'm wondering? It happened so fast, how do I turn this thing around? Is this the bed I chose to make? It's greener pastures I thinking about, wide open spaces far away. All I want is the wind in my hair, to face my fears but not feel scared._" - Natasha Bedingfield

Life seems to enjoy knocking on my face when I finally get myself to stand. It's like I manage to stand and walk a few steps and then I suddenly fall in a ditch, and each time I manage to climb back out I fall into an even deeper one.

That's what depression will do to you.

I never used to think that I was depressed, at least not until the day I actually started to envy human girls my age. They had so much that I only wish I could have had for granted. Just the simple things, like freedom, the chance to go to college and _choose_ what they wanted to do with their life. Or to love, marry, and build a life with who ever it is that they see fit. Or the chance to build a family with the man they love more than life itself.

I can't tell you exactly what I was doing outside of the wards that day. Because I don't remember much after the fight I had with Dimitri. I just remember stumbling into a town and watching some of the girls who sat around aimlessly. . . and wishing I was one of them. Instead of Rosemarie Hathaway, royal guardian.

Maybe if Dimitri and I had been human we could have stayed together, we could have had kids and built a life. Maybe if I we were all human my parents would have stayed together and I wouldn't have been left to rot in an academy, I might actually have had a pleasant childhood. If we were all human Lissa wouldn't be going clinically insane from spiritual darkness. But at the same time, if we were all human, would I have ever met Lissa or Dimitri? Would my parents have ever even met?

This has been a daily thought process for the past three years, since the day that my Russian god had left me.

That day had started out like any other, or should I say night? The stars were out, the sky was clear and majestic. Nothing like what it should have been; heartbreak shouldn't happen on a beautiful, seemingly carefree night.

I had just finished my shift as Lissa's guardian for the day shift. Dimitri was free from duty as Christian was going to be with Lissa and was plenty protected. I remember I had struggled for roughly two hours to cook us dinner, or maybe it should have been breakfast. But I had had the food and table all set and prepped for him when he got home. I had even changed into a nice pair of jeans and his favorite red spaghetti-strap shirt. I had been hoping to relax him some as the nightmares of his Strigoi days had been steadily returning. I never expected what was to come next.

When Dimitri stumbled through the door, he glanced a the mini feast and squeezed his eyes closed, his lips pinched into a tight line. I had been so worried that I put it off to stress from work at first. I ushered him to the table chattering about my day and what we could do now that we had some time together. All I had wanted to do was cheer him up, but instead of light sparkling in his eyes, his face just seemed to get more strained.

"And then Lissa, being the graceful klutz she is, tripped right over her dress and she-"

"Rose."

"And then as we were all rushing over to her she-"

"_Rose._"

"It had to be one of the funniest things she's done since she was el-

"_ROSE!" _It wasn't shouted or loud, but the power behind it had made me freeze instantly.

"Dimitri? What is it? Did something happen a-"

"I can't do this anymore." I looked at him strange, I had a feeling about what he had said and it wasn't a good one either, but I chalked it down to paranoia and pressed on.

"Can't do what? Guardian work? I sure Lissa would give you-"

"No Rose. Not guardian work, US. I can't do it anymore." I just stared at did he mean that he couldn't do 'us' anymore? We had been going strong for a little over a year at the time. He had never given me any indication that he hadn't been happy. He looked at me before tiredly running his hands over his ace and leaning heavily against the table. "What I did. I thought I could get over it. I thought I could forgive myself, but I can't. I hear you crying and I see what I did to you every night in my dreams. I-"

"We've been over this Dimitri! You know it wasn't you! Not the real you! You were acting within the instincts of what you were!" I couldn't bring myself to name what he had been. "You haven't thought about it in over a year! Why now?" The promise of tears stung the back of my eyes.

"Roza. It's not that I haven't thought about it in over a year. The nightmares, they never went away. I just didn't let you see them. I- I thought that if you knew you would get sick of me and leave. I feared you wouldn't want to be with a broken man." By the end his accent was thick, as though he had barely learned english.

"And you thought it would be better to lie to me?" Was he that unsure of our relationship? That he thought I would leave him because of his nightmares?

"I'm sorry Roza. I should have never lied to you. I should have never led you to believe that I was ready to be in a relationship again. But I'm leaving. Tonight." It wasn't until he said that that I realized something- nothing I said or did would change his mind. Knowing him, he was already packed and had known what he was going to do for a while. The last thing he needed was to tell me. My heart was breaking over this. I wanted to fight for him. I wanted to pull him into my arms, but I had decided once, before I had left Adrian that if he couldn't forgive himself than I would give him up.

"I understand." My lack of a fight had caught his attention as he jerked his face up to meet my gaze. Sadness lit his features, maybe he had wanted me to do this in traditional Rose style. Throw a tantrum, maybe lock him in the bedroom to make him miss his plane. Instead I was giving him up without a fight, I know he needed this. Growing up and thinking of what others need can really suck sometimes. I settled my gaze on the floor, I was going to let him go, but that didn't mean I wanted to watch him walk out of my life.

I felt him slide a hand under my chin and gently lift my face to his. With a gentle kiss to my forehead he whispered something in Russian and turned to the door.

"Dimitri?" He stopped as he was about to step over the threshold. "If you leave now, if you walk out tat door right now then this is it. No more chances. If you change your mind later, it'll be too late. You need to know that before you walk away." he spun to face me, unshed tears glistened in his eyes, lighting the brown hue that I loved so much.

He looked as though he wanted to run back to me and crush me in in a hug. But instead he whispered, " I will always love you Roza. Never forget that."

And then he walked out of my life, shutting the door behind him.


	3. The Art of Letting Go

Thank you once again everyone for the support you have shown! I also appreciate the comments back to me about both my FanFic and the question about a Beta. I am pondering about whether or not i should ask for one or not. A special thanks to

Lena1997, Lolalee3, Ashleyr2468, ClauILoveDimitriBelikov, Pammy143, Hanieya143, Jackie Eagle, ShadowHuntergirl1011, R And D 4Ever, I AM ROSE HATHAWAY, Terri Hathaway Belikov, ImmortalGrl, Amber Ruth, Rosemarie-Heavens-Hathaway, missa27, vampzgirl, dneslon34, XxAlonexX, littlebadgirl2904, Piff818, Cheerleader1100**, _and_ **Rose of noonvale.

This chapter is dedicated to

Lena1997_, _Lolalee3_, _missa27**_, and _**Piff818**_. Thank you so much for the commentary on the previous chapters!_**

And last but not least, if I misspelled your user name, please message me or comment about it, I will go back and fix it, Rather than copy and paste your names, I write them down as you comment and fav my story/me. Then i type them out as I am about to post the next chapter. I also apologize for any mistakes, I have looked over the chapter several times but I am dyslexic and so I may have missed some.

Chapter Two: The Art of Letting Go

"_I stare at my reflection in the mirror. Why am I doing this to myself? Losing myself to a tiny error, nearly left the real me on the shelf. No, no, no, no, no! Don't lose who you are, in the blur of the stars! Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing. It's okay not to be okay! Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart. But tears don't mean your losing, everybody's bruising. Just be true to who you are._" - Who you are by Jessie J

From that night on, life seemed meaningless to me. I passed through my everyday life as though I was a ghost; I was there, I guarded Lissa during the Moroi day, then went home to my empty apartment by Moroi night.

Somehow I longed for the days long past, the seemingly never ending days at the Academy. Back in those days, I could go visit Lissa when I was feeling down, even if I would never admit I was feeling down. I never thought I would actually long for the bond that had tied me to her as her Shadow-Kissed guardian for so long. To go into her head would have been a true blessing to me right about then, it would have been an escape that I desperately needed.

When I had graduated I had somehow thought that life would be just like before graduation: my friends would always be near, we could still be easy going with each other. Graduation for us was more like the human world than I liked. Adrian hadn't spoken to me since he had discovered Dimitri and I had gone behind his back while we were still going out. Eddie had been stationed to Jill, who was currently at the academy. Christian was always with Lissa who was either doing royal business or dealing with the effects of spirit. It's not easy being ignored, it's harder to be ignored when all you really want is for someone to notice you. Someone who would notice the lie, and recognize it.

I guess I learned to be a guardian a little better than I had thought - Invisible for the most part; cold and emotionless as stone. Dimitri would have known, would have noticed something just under the surface was wrong. But the one who could have fixed it, was the one who caused it.

As the days passed, I slowly faded into the background. Maybe it was irrational, but I was starting to blame everyone around me for my inability to handle society. I became bitter that no one seemed to care that I wasn't around. The worst part was, no one even seemed to miss me when I wasn't around. That made me realize the heart wrenching truth: I needed them a whole lot more than any of them needed me.

It was when that realization came that I sort of went off the deep end. I can't tell you what day it was, but one morning when the sun was barley rising, I snuck out of the wards. It was on that day that I experienced real human life for the first time, because unlike when I ran away with Lissa, I didn't have to be on constant guard. Strigoi couldn't come out into the sun, and I was certain that no one was going to come looking for me.

That day I wasn't Rosemarie Hathaway, Royal Guardian and Damphir, I was simply Rose an everyday 20 year old girl who wanted to have fun. I ate at the local dinner for breakfast, flirted with random guys until it grew dark, went to a local carnival. For the first time I experienced cotton candy and what it felt like to do something for myself with out the emotional baggage of my everyday life.

That was the night I saw the girls that made me realize I was depressed. I watched over them while they walked home, making sure none of them were hurt, that they would live to have an equally fun day tomorrow.

Watching these girls, I realized that I could never have a life that I wanted. I couldn't ever be normal. The thought that I could run away ran through my mind a few times, but I dismissed it each time. Damphir's simply can't function in the human world on their own. We don't have the right paperwork to get jobs to support ourselves. It's not like we could tell people that we went to a vampire boarding school. Even if no one came looking for me, I wouldn't be able to compel people to survive either. Sooner or later I would be forced to return to the Moroi world.

I wanted so bad to belong here, but I knew I never really would. It would be an empty existence if I had to hide everything about myself- from what I am to my past- and that was far from what I wanted.

I was almost back to the Moroi Court when I ran into the group of guardians. As they became aware of my presence, they steadily sank into their fighting poses, as though I was going to suddenly begin fighting them. Then I felt the gut churning nausea that only seemed to assault me when Strigoi were around. I reached for the holster attached to my hip, hidden by my long Guardian coat for my stake - only to find it empty. My memory searched itself quickly assessing where it was, and I remembered that I had left it in my apartment before sneaking out of the wards.

Stupid! Stupid Rose! Trust me to make a novice mistake.

To my relief, only two Strigoi appeared, not much of a problem for a group of guardians - even if I was unarmed. The fight was over swiftly, three guardians flanked each of the Strigoi while one rounded the front for the fatal blow. A few scratches on our side. But nothing serious.

I was ashamed that I had stood back from the fight, but I never that I would have been a hindrance rather than an asset.

Once the bodies were disposed of, the shortest guardian, and man around his mid forties with graying hair turned towards me. His face, like my mothers and Alberta's, was weathered from the years spent warring against the elements in order to protect Moroi.

"Hathaway, you are to remain Silent and come with us."

I gave him an appraising look. "Why? You act as though I am under arrest. I haven't done anything wrong."

"On the contrary, Ms. Hathaway, you left the wards with no authorized clearance."

I gave him a glare, but there was no real emotion behind it.

"What are you talking about? I was off duty, I have the rest of the night off tonight too. There is no law against me leaving the wards on my off time." At least, I didn't think there was.

"Last minute change of schedule. You're being charged with abandonment of your Moroi Hathaway."


	4. Flowers For a Ghost

**Special thanks to** A698, missa27, SnoodleVamp, RosalynB, xxxcrybabyxxx11, Sunayna4sho, Lena1997, DoveLightMist, Vampire Academy Lover 13, mitil, ClauILoveDimitriBelikov, Elfina01, GoctoHostapus, Beset,** and **Keish**. **

**This Chapter is dedicated to **missa27, sunayno4sho, Lena1997, and ClauILoveDimitriBelikov. 

**A big shout out to **Lena1997 ** for becoming my beta!**

**As you guys know, I like to start the chapter out with a verse from a song to set the mood for the chapter. Usually I just type out a single verse, but tonight it's a bit different. I typed out the majority of this song because it really helps set the atmosphere for the chapter. I highly suggest that you go listen to it while you read the latest installment. The song is called LAST KISS by TAYLOR SWIFT. And long space downs, signal a time jump. Nothing major, but a few hours or a day have passed between paragraphs.**

Chapter Three: Flowers for a Ghost

_"The words that you whispered for just us to know. You told me you loved me so why did you go . . . away? And I'll go, sit on the floor wearing your clothes. All that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss. Never thought we'd have our last . . . kiss. Never imagined we'd end like. . . this. Your name, forever the name on my lips._

_I do remember the swing in your step. The life of the party, you're showing off again. And I roll my eyes and then you pull me in. I'm not much for dancing but for you I did. Because I love your hand-shake, meeting my father. I love how you walk with your hands in you pockets. How you kissed me when I was in the middle of saying something. There's not a day when I don't miss those rude interruptions._

_And I'll go, sit on the floor wearing your clothes. All that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss. Never thought we'd have our last . . . kiss. Never imagined we'd end like. . . this. Your name, forever the name on my lips._

_So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep. And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe. And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are. Hope it's nice where you are. And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day. And something reminds you, you wish you had stayed. You can plan for a change in weather and town. But I never planned on you changing your mind." - Last Kiss - Taylor Swift_

Trekking four and a half miles flanked by a group of moody guardians, is not something I consider fun. Neither is trekking four and a half miles flanked by a group of moody guardians while being HANDCUFFED and listening to said guardians comment on the impending doom that is the future of my career.

I knew the moment I was taken into custody, I would never be a Guardian again. It didn't matter that I had left the wards during my off time, it didn't matter that I had given everything I had into protecting Moroi, I had several 'delinquent-tendencies' on my record. And it was all finally coming back to bite me in the ass. No Moroi would want me as a guardian, I had run away with an underage Lissa when we were in the academy, then I dropped out and ran again when Dimitri was awakened, and then I was accused of killing the queen and to top it all off, I broke out of jail and ran then too. The only good part of my wrong doings, was that no one knew about what had happened to Victor. No one knew I had killed him while trying to rescue Jill, the illegitimate daughter of Eric Dragomir.

_"You did what you had to."_

Shock caused my body to freeze on the spot. That was Dimitri's voice. I frantically searched the horizon, searching for him. The guardians looked at me with puzzled looks. Hadn't they heard him?

"Keep moving Hathaway." A pressure at my shoulder made me move forward once again. My shoulders sagged slightly when I realized, Dimitri hadn't been there. It was only a memory.

The journey back to court was haunted with memories. Dimitri and I after I was shot and he was taking care of me, when he ran me to the infirmary after Natalie had attacked me while freeing Victor. The night of the cabin. When he was taken. Him being restored, us at the cafe. Lissa's coronation. The hunting trip with my parents.

I was so wrapped up with my memories that I hadn't noticed when we entered the gates, or when the Guardians deposited me in a room with the council.

"Ms. Hathaway. You are aware of why we have called you here today?" I simply nodded. Yeah I knew alright. They brought me here on some bogus charge. "Are you aware then, that many of us believe that you should be stripped of both your rank and title and be placed at a desk job, filing paper-work?" That made me snap my head up. I glared at the Moroi surrounding me. Each of the faces held a similar countenance. They had already decided what they wanted to do with me. Their faces said they had been waiting for me to screw up.

"I propose something different." I jumped. Hans, the head Guardian stood at attention to the Moroi council. I hadn't noticed him in the room. Some Guardian I turned out to be, first i forget my stake and now this. Pathetic.

"Proceed, then. Lets hear it."

"Although she has been known to act out, Lord Ivashkov, Ms. Hathaway was trained by one of the best Guardians we have ever seen in the Moroi court. In her past the good she has done for our world far out does the bad. Yes, she ran with the Queen when they were teenagers, but in the end discovered a plot by Victor Dashkov to miss use the Queens abilities. She left again after Dimitri Belikov was turned but in doing that she uncovered a way to revert a Strigoi back to their original form. When she broke out of jail during the investigation of our previous queens murder, she found and brought the true culprit to justice. Yes she has made mistakes, but each mistake has brought us to a better society."

"We are well aware of what Hathaway has accomplished. Please get to the point." Hans cleared his throat.

"Yes sir. I propose that Hathaway be sent back to St. Vladimirs." Murmurs burst from the Moroi. "She could teach the trial class how to fight and defend themselves?"

Trial Class? What the hell was a trial class?

A female to the far right spoke, "Are you proposing that we put a child who has neglected her duties several times over in charge of teaching our Moroi class to fight? That is preposterous! How are we to know that she would actually stay! Nothing in her record gives us any indication that we should give her an honor such as this!"

"But she has been taught by the best. The techniques she has been taught could very well prove to be invaluable in the future. Why waste a guardian?"

I had three hours to get ready and say goodbye. But the only people I wanted to say goodbye to weren't there. It was still hard to believe that the Council had agreed with Hans in the end.

Looking in the mirror now, I barely recognized myself. All that remained of my once full curves was a thin- almost Moroi like frame. My skin had lost much of it's pigment. My eyes, once a sparkling, chocolate brown were now muddy brown. No blush to my cheeks, stringy hair rather than the long soft locks I had previously had.

Once I believed I was pretty, beautiful even. I didn't feel beautiful.

_"You're beautiful Roza. So beautiful, it hurts sometimes."_

I sank to the floor, my hands covering my mouth as though they could hold in my sobs. I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping that it would keep me from seeing his memory. I once heard a saying about how time heals all wounds, how time makes memories fade. But it seemed like the more time that passed, the more vivid the past became.

On the way to the academy, most of what I heard were comments about Dimitri and I. Some okay, most bad. And some, even I wouldn't repeat. What would Dimitri have said? What would he have done?

_"Don't worry, Roza, I'm not afraid. I'll take whatever heat they give me over being with you. It's worth it."_

Of course, another memory. I could almost feel his arms around me, I could breathe his scent, almost smell his after-shave. Tears stung the back of my eyes but I refused to release them. I'm Rosemarie Hathaway, I don't show my weaknesses and I sure as hell don't cry. I wasn't just depressed, I was slowly going insane.

I stumbled down the corridor, to my assigned room. I distantly remembered the times I had been in this part of the academy. One in particular stood from the rest: Victors Lust Charm. The memory of that night tugged at my mind, there was something I should remember about the number on the key. It shouldn't have felt any different from any other key I've ever had. . . but that number seemed so familiar. The answer hit me like a train and I gawked at the little piece of metal in horror.

481 was Dimitri's old room.

I stood in the hall, unable to believe how cruel life could be.

It took me a while to gain the courage to open the door, even longer to gather my wits enough to actually enter. The room was colder than I had remembered it. Back when Dimitri lived here, the room had a warmth to it; one that I would always remember. Looking around the room now, I realized that it no longer held any sort of comfort, only the solid, empty dread that was meant to remind me of all I had lost. But a part of me still tried to find what I could of it's former resident. When I tried hard enough, I could see the old, worn western that Dimitri had loved on the night stand; but when I blinked, they were gone, leaving an empty, dusty space instead.

My belongings had already been moved to the room, my clothes placed in the closet when I looked. While trying to put the clothes in an order where I could remember them, a piece of brown leather caught my eyes. Tucked in the back of the small space, was a long leather coat. I gently pulled it out to get a better look at the coat. The leather had faded somewhat in some places, and it was too western, and much too long to be mine. But it had a sense of familiarity to it.

A duster.

Dimitri's duster.

The very same one he had always worn during his shifts. At first I pondered how he had forgotten it when he packed. The man could face a Strigoi army, no problem. But a day without his duster? End of the world. A small chuckle escaped my mouth as I remembered that I had taken it out for dry-cleaning. This last piece of my Russian god was in my hands only because I had lucked out and taken it to the cleaners.

I struggled to put the duster on, my arms refused to lift, and I'm sure if my ribs could talk they'd be yelling profanities in seven different languages. But the false sense of completion I felt when I buttoned it was staggering. For a moment my broken heart seemed to heal. For that small moment I wasn't alone in the academy dorms wrapped in my mentors old jacket. I was in my old apartment back at court with Dimitri's arm around me.

My world dimmed when I moved my arm to snuggle more into the piece of cloth. The bolt of pain jolted me out of my memories. The warm, masculine scent of Dimitri washed away, the room pastel wall replaced with cold white walls, and our queen sized bed replaced with a barren twin mattress as I faded out of my apartment and back into my cold room.

_"I've given up on you. Loves fades, mine has."_

I guess it really does doesn't it?

With a small sob I forced my aching body to my bed. Or rather Dimitri's old bed.

It wasn't a comfortable mattress. There were lumps in random places and laying down hurt. The tree's continued to scratch at the window and I don't think the wind ever seemed so vicious. The room was cold, but between the flimsy comforter and Dimitri's old duster, I was barely warm enough to drift off; I gradually became less aware of the aches in my body. Being here was going to mentally torture me, but somehow being here made me feel a small sliver of Dimitri was close.

Why I couldn't let him go? When would it all just go away?

For the first time, I actually wished that I was the invisible person I hated being just weeks ago.


	5. Absence of Morality

**Okay guys, I know that it has been a while since I updated, but a lot has been going on for me. The biggest thing would be that my Uncle was killed in a Vehicle-pedestrian hit accident a few days ago, at the young age of 42. A speeding car hit a parked car that pinned him and a fellow worker to a building they were working at. My uncle bled to death, his co-worker was lucky to live, but is in danger of losing both of his legs. I ask those of you out there who believe in God to please keep the man in your prayers. I am sad that my Uncle passed, but I am grateful that a second family was not robbed of their loved one. Updates may be a little slow for the next chapter or two but I do not intend to stop writing.**

**This chapter is dedicated to my 9 year-old cousin who lost her dad, and My 17 year-old cousin who lost not only his dad, but one of his best friends.**

**I would like to thank** _Lena1997,_ _Hazzel and Crimson, Pheonix Evans, ClauILoveDimitriBelikov, Kaitykatxxx, Janine Hathaway, TechGeek95, obsessed53, sunayna4sho, Vafreek, xxxCrybabyxxx11, A Incomparavel, SAMI. JANE123, Sucker1995, _and_ Elfina01 _ **for all of the feedback and messages that encourage me to continue with this story!**

**A special thanks to** _lena1997, ClauILoveDimitriBelikov, xxxcrybabyxxx11, _and _Elfina01 _ f**or feedback through past chapters as well. I hope you guys enjoy the latest installment of** L.O.V.E. is a Four Letter Lie.

_**~Ashley of Ashterbowden**_

Chapter Four: Absence of Morality

_" If I could fly away, oh and I won't come back no more. I, I'd turn around just to see it for the last time. See now I know, hey that it won't be easy. I've been fightin' a battle woulda never made it this far, got a few more feet but it's still the longest yard. I gotta make it out this place somehow, man I really believe that I can turn it around. See all I need is that second chance to show since incarceration my obligation to rehabilitation. Watch behind, kick me low. Man it's gonna take more than that for them to break my soul. Man it's hard for people to understand what it's like to be gated, incarcerated most can't take it but I'ma make em' end to see better days. If I could fly away, oh and I won't come back no more. I, I'd turn around just to see it for the last time. See now I know, hey that it won't be easy. I've been fightin' a battle woulda never made it this far, got a few more feet but it's still the longest yard." - Fly Away (Longest Yard) by Nelly_

2 years later

"Okay class! Next we will practice how to properly stake a Strigoi! You might think that most of you will never need to use your stake as many of you will be partnered with a Guardian, but what do you do when your Guardian is indisposed? Over the last two years this has become a major topic of interest in the Royal Court and the Queen has decided that you will be the first class to learn all the training that were previously available to only Guardian Trainees!"

Over the last two years, the Moroi Training Act, or MTA has completely taken off. Between myself and Alberta, the very first class, which we called the Trial Class, reduced Moroi death rates down by over fifty percent. From there the MTA was launched, with me, Rose Hathaway as the head of the older group.

Alberta was placed as the head of the younger groups who were taught along side the Dhampir novices. What had originally began as a one year punishment for a totally bullshit charge had turned into a permanent assignment.

My eyes flickered to Adrian Ivashkov, before returning to the stake in my hand.

I'd rather be filing paperwork at court.

"Today we will be actually using our stakes on practice dummies. These are the same dummies that are used by the Novices in their training." I gestured to the far wall where the dummies resided without breaking my eye contact with the other students. "These dummies are built to feel as though you are penetrating flesh. You must successfully drive the stake between the ribs and into the heart of the dummy to have 'killed' it. Does anyone need re-instruction on the safety protocols of using the stakes in class? No one? Okay. Line up, take a stake and choose a dummy. I will be around to give constructive criticism to those who need it. You may begin!"

One by one the Moroi felt the weight of a silver stake in their hands before heading off to the dummy of their choice.

Adrian went to the dummy that oddly resembled me and proceeded to drive a stake though the place a heart should have been.

Class had gone relatively well today. Few of the Moroi actually needed help with their technique and with a few tweaks were able to stake the dummies just fine. Although staking a practice dummy and staking a real Strigoi were two totally different things, at least they knew how to operate a stake.

A shadow moved quickly to my left, I flinched back and ducked instinctively. Using my right leg, I pivoted to face my attacker, only to feel my face pale and blood run cold.

Adrian.

Once upon a time, Adrian Ivashkov was a normal, un-extraordinary Royal Moroi. The biggest threat he could even hope to provide was an insult that people would shrug off as a drunken slur. But two years in an intense fighting program, absence of alcohol, spiritual darkness, and an old vendetta tend to make even the most harmless people deadly. After being forced to join the MTA by his parents, Adrian was forced to give up his everyday companions Cigarettes, and Alcohol, and was forced to use his healing abilities when other Moroi were injured.

That wasn't necessarily a bad thing, like Lissa, Adrian specialized in Spirit and could do a lot of good things with his magic. But Adrian wasn't bonded like Lissa and I were. He didn't have an outlet for the darkness, and over time it just built up.

Until the day he figured out punching people you hate tends to diminish pent up anger.

And unfortunately, he held a lot of anger for me.

The MTA permitted Moroi to learn to fight, which in turn gave them the okay to use training to 'defend' themselves under whatever situation they deemed necessary. Damphirs are still prohibited from harming Moroi, inside or outside of class.

The guardians mantra, a creed I had had pounded into my head since before I could remember wouldn't allow me to go on the offensive, and that was all Adrian needed to grasp a hold of my neck. He shook me a little before pinning me to the wall and forcing me to meet his eyes. They seemed to go from emerald green to almost a dull, dark green. It didn't take me long to figure out what was happening.

Spirit users had a variety of talents from dream walking, healing, and even the ability to reach into ones mind to the most dangerous ability one could ever possess. This ability robbed a person of their very will if wielded in the correct manner. And it was impossible to fight, because it wasn't a physical attribute, it was a mental one.

Compulsion.

My mind felt hazy, drugged even. I knew what would happen next, this wasn't the first time this had happened.

"You won't tell anyone of this." My head nodded absently, already lost in the compulsion. I had tried once to resist the compulsion Adrian had set on me, but several migraines and three extreme nose-bleeds later, I had realized it was useless.

"I won't tell anyone of this." Adrian smirked slightly.

"You won't fight back, or call for help."

"I won't Fight back or call for help." The smirk grew to a full blown smile of pure malice. The hold on my throat grew tighter until I could hardly breathe. Out of instinct I reached up and attempted to pry his fingers loose. The only thing I managed to accomplish was irritating him, making his grip tighten just that much more.

Adrian shook his head in mock exaggeration. "Ah, ah Little Damphir! That won't do will it?"

His eyes bore into mine once again, but the compulsion felt stronger, more lethal and dangerous.

"You won't even _try _to defend yourself." I forgot about the side effect of what I was about to do- I fought back against the compulsion. But all I got for my troubles was an aching head and a trickle of blood escaping from my nose. Tears stung the back of my eyes as my hand dropped from Adrian's wrist, only for him to snatch it with his free hand.

"I won't try to defend myself." It was barely a whisper.

"Good." And then he jerked my wrist until he heard an awkward snap, and threw me across the mats.

I felt Violated, like a disgrace. Guardians had been train for centuries to fight against the forces of deadly immortals, but I couldn't even handle one Moroi. I bet Dimitri and my mother would be ashamed. I slowly made my way to the outer corridor, trying my best to act normal for my patrol shift when a young Moroi girl came up to me.

She was paler than a Moroi ought to be, which was really saying something as most of them could pass as a corpse. She bit her lip and extended a shaky arm towards me.

In her outstretched hand was a small, folded piece of paper. I nodded my thanks to the girl before watching her scamper off with out a moments hesitation. Typical Moroi, I teach them how to strengthen themselves and in the end all I get is undeserved terror.

Unfolding the paper proved to be rather difficult, my ribs were bruised and I had had to re-locate my shoulder before leaving the gym. I wanted to sit, but I knew my hips wouldn't be too happy about getting back up again. In the end, I opted to lean against the wall for support, it wasn't a bad option or so I thought until my back made contact with the hard wall. It felt as though someone was stabbing me with dozens of needles.

The note turned out to be a missive from Alberta to meet Kirova for a short meeting in her office at 4:30 am. I had 30 minutes to get myself together and get to the other side of the campus.

Yay. Fun for me.

When I finally reached Kirova's office I was mildly surprised to find Hans Croft, the head of all Guardians, there to greet me.

"Hans." I tipped my head slightly in greeting, before returning to attention. Hans gave the same.

"Hathaway."

Kirova cleared her throat before gesturing to the chairs infront of her desk. "Guardian Hathaway, you are aware of the sudden increase of Strigoi movement and attacks throughout the world recently, correct?" Confusion knotted my features, but I managed a nod.

"Yes, particularly in Russia, Spain, and England, with a slight rise in Hungary and Turkey. I do not mean to sound rude Kirova, but what does this have to do with me?" _Be polite Rose, the faster you get out the less chances of them asking questions. Questions I can't answer._

Kirova remained relaxed in her chair, hands folded together, leaning slightly on her desk. The picture perfect headmistress. "Several cities that we believe are going to be targeted by Strigoi forces are being evacuated as we speak." I tilted my head uncertainly.

"And, this has to do with me because. . . ?" Hans sighed before continuing in Kirova's stead.

"A Guardian who once worked for the academy has requested that his family be moved to America. In return for relocating his family to Academy grounds where his sister and nephew can resume school with out being separated from their family, the guardian has offered his skills to help train the Moroi in the MTA."

"That as it may be Hans, I am still at a loss-" Hans silenced me with a raised hand.

"Guarduan Hathaway, you are being reassigned for the next month under the jurisdiction of the Guardian and Royal Councils. You are to go to Baia, Russia and assist then escort the Belikov family to St. Vladimir's where you will then resume teaching within the MTA with Guardian Belikov as your partner. Is that understood?"

I glanced down at my hands silently before slipping my Guardians mask in place and nodding. I had learned the hard way that you can't fight the Councils, especially if they hate you. And in my case, they were bent on making my life hell.

I looked up at the ceiling.

Russia, here I come.


	6. Past Bonds Never Fade

**I want to say thank you to everyone who commented on the last chapter. I know it has been a long time (like 3 weeksish) since the last update, the next one won't take nearly so long! I really appreciate those of you who were kind enough to PM me and express your condolences about my Uncle. On the upside, although his partner who was also injured will likely not walk again, he is doing well.**

**Special thanks to: **_Sucker1995,_ _missa27,_ _missvalover94,_ _xxkatyxx,_ _Dimitri-Rose-Lover-35,_ _murph85,_ _NagasMythReality,_ _vampzgirl,_ _tracymarie,_ _ClauILoveDimitriBelikov,_ _Lena1997,_ _HushHush123,_ _MissHathaway,_ _poppyroza,_ _rangarose,_ _mrs. Pikachu,_ _Alikat76,_ _Perfectionista,_ **and** _Elfina01._ **Your guy's support means A LOT to me and it really helps me continue to write.**

**This chapter is dedicated to**

_Elfina01._ **Thank you for the support and concern you showed. I really appreciate it, as does my little cousin (the one who lost her father). She says that you are an angel for helping me make the decision to focus on her for a while rather than my writing.**

Chapter Five - Past Bonds Never Fade

_"Heart don't fail me now, courage don't desert me. Don't turn back, now that we're here! People always say, 'Life is full of choices'. No one ever mentions fear or how this world can seem so vast, on this journey to the past!" Journey to the Past - Anastasia soundtrack_

Sudden plane rides to Russia are not my cup of tea, especially when said flight is in economy. No room to move, cramped in between people who usually smell weird, no phone service, and horrible food, for almost eleven freaking hours!

There was nothing to look forward to on the other end of my highway to Hell. I could be optimistic, I could fool myself into thinking that I would find a warm welcome in Baia. But unlike in the past, I refused to delude myself.

As the time passed slowly I began to wonder whether or not the Belikov's were planning to meet me at the airport? Somewhere deep inside I knew that I could hope that they would, but the harsh reality of the situation kept trying to smack me in the face. If Dimitri knew I was coming, I doubt he would even care.

Flight Attendant's fluttered down the aisles every so often, asking with forced politeness if passengers wanted something to eat or drink. A couple of times I honestly considered ordering the strongest alcoholic drink they were willing to serve, but finally decided against it because we were landing soon, the stars outside my window seemed to laugh at my obvious distress. After dark, a drunk Guardian was a dead Guardian.

One of the thing I hate the most about planes were the landing. The bumping around, the shudder of the plane made me want to throw up, and when we finally landed in Novosibirsk, Russia that with the feeling of utmost dread had me almost to tears.

But I wasn't entirely sure about how I should feel. Should I be afraid? Should I be excited? How would the Belikov family even react to me? Yeva and Viktoria had both made it perfectly clear that I wasn't wanted there and I know Dimitri wouldn't want me there. And because Dimitri didn't want me there, no one else had any reason to want me there either. A part of me had no doubt that Yeva would see me coming, if she hadn't already. She had last time.

BAIA was more beautiful than I expected it to be in the spring. The slighter warmth had the trees and grass blooming in a wonderful collage of color. But even the peaceful air couldn't conquer the dread that welled in the pit of my stomach as I turned onto the street the Belikov's called home.

With a shaky breath, I slowly exited my car and headed up the pathway. Dimitri knew the Royal Moroi Court was sending someone to escort his family back, but had they let him know it was me they were sending? Would his family reject me? Would they even answer the door if they did know I was coming?

My hand rapped against the door several times. I waited patiently for someone to answer the door, but no one did. _Of course. They don't want me here. They made that perfectly clear the last- _The door jerked open just as I started to turn away to reveal Yeva Belikova, Dimitri's grandmother.

Her wrinkled face stared at me for a minute before she said something in Russian- the only word I understood was _Roza, _my name in Russian- and stalked back into the house. Paul, Dimitri's nephew called out,

"She said it is unwise to show up unannounced and we would have come to the door sooner if we had been expecting company." She couldn't have just told me that in English? During my last visit, Yeva had used Paul as a translator and pretended that she didn't speak a lick of English. She continued it up until I left and she pretty much called me a disappointment. Paul was just a boy when I last saw him and before I had thought he looked unbelievably like his uncle. The past years had since deepened the resemblance. His face was more defined and he had grown taller than me. He was a big guy.

Paul ushered me into the house and into the family room and I skirted away when I almost came into contact with his arm. Instantly the Belikov family surrounded me

Everyone began to chatter and talk at once, backing me into the wall. It took all of sixty seconds for them to completely overwhelm me.

Too close. Trapped. No way to get away.

My breath came out in cut off gasps. My body was stiff, but my hands shook with fear and a cold sweat broke out against my brow.

Not now. Not in front of everyone, they would ask questions.

My biggest fear right now wasn't the broad, muscular male in front of me. It was my impending panic attack and the consequences it could bring.

My heart pounded painfully in my chest as darkness crept into the sides of my vision and black spots danced across my eyes.

"Roza?"

My eyes cleared ever so slightly, just enough to make out Dimitri's large form, his hands reaching in my direction.

"Roza?"

Hands that could kill. _Had _killed. Hands that had easily destroyed enemies without hesitation. _Oh God! _My head spun even more as I thought of all the damage he could do. His hand came close to touching my face, my breathing hitched.

"Are you okay?" That voice was distinctly female. Karolina I believe, but the question was overshadowed with fear when Dimitri's hand made contact with the skin on my cheek.

It was too much for me. My eyes slid shut and my body pitched forward, I no longer had the strength to hold myself up.

"ROZA!" and I was gone.

Contrary to popular belief, unconsciousness isn't all that bad. Well, I guess it depends on what awaits you on the other side I guess. This time, it was both a curse and a blessing. I was able to get away from everyone for a while, yet at the same time, I was left alone to my thoughts. Not a pleasant place to be.

Most of the thoughts that consumed me were of my tormentor. What would he do when Dimitri went to him for answers that I couldn't give? How would he react when he realized people might be on to him?

Though I didn't want to admit it, I knew the answer. He would fight. And in the end, chances are he would kill me. It's not hard to kill a target that can't fight back, and I had taught the MTP Dimitri's very first lesson very well; _Don't hesitate._

Adrian might have in the past, but like Dimitri, he won't hesitate to make a kill. Not anymore.

Some part of my mind whispered the similarities between Dimitri and Adrian; he was bigger than me, stronger than me, _faster _than me.

Just like Adrian.

But Dimitri wasn't Adrian. He was bigger. Stronger, as a trained Guardian should be. _Deadly. _

A damp rag was being dabbed softly to my forehead, gently bringing me out of the darkness. My eyes gently peeled open to reveal a relieved and slightly worried Olena Belikova. Olena had aged since the last time I saw her, lines had formed slightly on her face and the gray in her hair was more pronounced, but Olena still looked beautiful.

A small smile graced her cheeks when she saw I was coming to.

"Roza!" She breathed in a relieved sigh. "You gave us quite a scare when you collapsed!"

Olena Belikova had given me medical attention when I first met her as well. I had come to Russia to hunt and kill Dimitri in order to keep an old promise we made to each other while I was at the academy. I had met Sydney Sage, and alchemist who had then taken me to Baia, but on the way I had fought and single handedly killed two Strigoi. I hadn't escaped unscathed though, Olena had patched me up and looked after me even though she hadn't any clue who I was or where I was from.

In another life she could have been my Mother-In-Law, cause that sure as hell wasn't happening in this life.

But even if she wasn't my mother, she was still able to make me feel guilty about worrying her.

"Sorry." I murmured. She shook her head gently while she wiped my face with a dry cloth.

"No, Roza. I'm the one who is sorry. We shouldn't have rushed you like that after such a long journey. You must have been exhausted and we just cornered and overwhelmed you." I gave her the faintest resemblance of a smile as she stood and wiped her hands on her shirt. "You must be hungry, I've made some Black Bread and I can bring you up some if you'd like?" I nodded gently. I was hungry, I hadn't eaten on the plane.

"I'd appreciate that. Thank you." Olena nodded before she walked out and gently closed the door behind her.

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><p><strong>I know, TWO authors note is one chapter! Not cool! Not cool at all. This note is to let you guys know that I have been thinking of writing another fanfiction, this one is also a Dimrose fic. :) I wanted to know what you guys would think about me posting two fics at one time? Also, I won't put up the summary yet, but I would like to know if anyone out there might be interested in being a Beta for the second story?<strong>

_Lena1997_** is my Beta for _L.O.V.E. is a four letter LIE_, so I'd like for someone else to be a Beta for the new fic.**

**Also: here are some of my favorite fics that I think you guys would enjoy:**

The Other Woman by Elfina01

_In my absence a new threat has come to court looking to end the last of the Dragomir line. Queen Tatiana has summoned me back to court full fill an old promise. But Can I face the betrayal from those that I once loved?_

VA Love Fades With Darken Hearts by Elfina01

_Being a Strigoi changed me forever so I knew getting my life back in order wouldn't be easy. Now the Strigoi's are after me and all of court isn't safe anymore. My name is Dimitri Belikov and this is my story._

I'll Remember You Always by Sara Ozera

_Oneshot. Dimitri is distraught. His Roza, the only person he's ever loved, is on her deathbed, and there's nothing he, or anyone else, can do about it. How will everyone deal with the death of such an important person in their lives?_

Together Forever by Sara Ozera

_What if, in Shadow Kiss, Dimitri was never turned? What if Rose saved him? Together, they'll have to face hard times and seemingly impassable obstacles. Will their love be enough to keep them together, or will they be torn apart by the cruel hand of fate? {COMPLETE}_

**Seriously AMAZING stories guys! You should check them out!**


	7. The Truth Behind The Lies

**Okay guys, Sorry for the long wait (again)! I recently got a job so I'm balancing college, work, and watching my siblings so my dad can work. So updates will still be a little slow. But worry not! I AM NOT GIVING UP ON THIS STORY! I will find time to write! I really appreciate you guys sticking with me. :) This chapter is a bit more of a filler than anyting. Hope you guys enjoy.**

Chapter Six: Discovering The Truth behind The Lies

"_I lose my way and it's not too long before you point it out. I cannot cry because I know that's weakness in your eyes; I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh every day of my life. My heart can't possibly break, when it wasn't even whole to start with!_

_Because of you, I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk. Because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt. Because of you, I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me. Because of you, I am afraid._

_I watched you die! I heard you cry! Every night in your sleep. I was so young! You should have known better than to lean on me. You never thought of anyone else, __you just saw your pain. And now I cry in the middle of the night for the same damn thing!"_

Kelly Clarkson - Because of You

Roughly three days had passed since my arrival and meltdown at the Belikov house. In that time, I stuck close to Olena and oddly enough, Yeva. Both of them had become somewhat of a saving haven for me, Olena because she was an over protective mother hen who refused to let the other crowd me and Yeva because although they all loved her, the family left her alone for fear of her anger.

But if anyone noticed how skittish I was being, it was Yeva.

They say that time and old age dulled the senses, much like too much wear-and-tear will dull the blade of a knife. What a crock of bull. The old witch-like woman had proved to me several times she was anything but slow.

Dimitri had once told me that Yeva was a 'sort-of witch' who often had visions during sleep, and for the longest time I had thought he was joking. . . Until I came to Russia to kill him after his forced transformation. Long before I ever arrived, she knew who I was and what I had come to do.

Filling my time was perhaps one of the hardest things for me. As a guardian, my days had been filled with classes and patrolling. The only other things I had time for was the occasional work-out and the basic hygiene needs. Here in Baia, there was no one to guard. And as much as I loved to work out and as ironic as it is, run, my body wasn't healed enough to fully work myself. So I sat there, either watching Olena cook, or Yeva scowl at random things her grand-children did.

For the record, I had tried to read a bit and watch a bit of TV. In Russia, there seemed to be no such thing as an English bookstore or an English TV station. Hell, I even tried to listen to the radio. Once. There was a song that had been replaying time and time again throughout the day. Who ever wrote the song was clearly a fan of 70's music in America when writers block reigned supreme and writing the same three lines over and over had seemed cool.

Well, the thing about songs like that is the fact that they are easy to pick up, the bad thing is that they also get stuck in your head easily. And they refuse to leave. It's like a broken record going over and over and over until you want to bash your head against the closest wall. Or tree.

On the second day of my trip, I had had the song memorized and was singing it as Yeva, Olena, and I walked home from visiting the market.

And for the life of me I couldn't figure out why people were giving me strange looks as we walked though the park. Olena looked like she was on the verge of hysterics and even Yeva was trying to hide a small grin. Yeah, the song's turn mimicked _Twinkle Twinkle Little Star _but come on, who doesn't like that song to some small degree?

Olena later told me that the lines I read managed to pick up were part of a parody song and roughly translated meant "_Tinkle, Tinkle on the Potty, When you feel pressure in your tummy, Like a good girl wipe your tusch, Then flush it down with a woooosh! Tinkle, Tinkle, on the potty, When your done wash your hands like Mommy!_". As it turns out, I had been listening to a child's radio station. Which I had then repeated in the park for over an hour. NOT one of my finer moments.

I didn't get much of a choice about my activities on the third night. All of Baia was cooped up inside while a storm ravaged the small town.

As odd as it was for me, the Belikov family sat down together -minus Yeva- and played games together. From _Hand-and-Foot_, to_ Sorry_, to several Russian games I knew nothing about, the family entertained themselves as the weather outside threw a hissy fit. And as always, I watched from the sidelines, feeling completely out of place.

Growing up alone without your parents will leave a strong impression. As much as I wanted to be part of one, family life held no sense for me. I couldn't understand it because I had never lived it. Even when I had grown up beside Lissa as an adopted part of the Dragomir family, I had never really belonged.

It wasn't until dinner that Yeva came down to join us. From the tousled hair and rumpled clothes, I guessed she had been sleeping.

The storm continued to rage outside, but it was the eldest Belikova that held my attention.

She looked me straight in the eyes before rattling off something in Russian. I looked at Karolina who looked to be about as puzzled as I was.

"Translation?" Karolina opened her mouth to reply when she was interrupted by the one person I was trying to avoid.

"She said, '_Armed flowers are not meant to be stepped on. The road of secrets and lies is a deadly one. Only a coward runs from her fears._'" Dimitri stepped beside Karolina gently took Zoya from her arms. The look he shot me before he left the room clearly said he knew there was something I was hiding- and he was going to figure it out. Whether I wanted him to or not. Olena gave me an apologetic smile.

"I'm sorry Roza. Yeva can be. . . how you say. . . eccentric at times. Even we cannot understand what she means at times. I hope she didn't upset you. Did you understand anything about what she meant?"

As much as I wanted to, I couldn't tell her the truth. Even if I could I don't think I would tell her. I knew she could help me, but somehow the thought of Olena being disappointed in me was something I couldn't bear. So instead I shrugged,

"Honestly? With all the crap that goes on in my life, it could be just about anything."

A loud scoff came from the corner of the room where Yeva stared at me with one hand cradling her right wrist and the other gently rubbing her shoulder. And I knew right then that she knew. About the abuse, the shame, the fear. Did she know about the compulsion?

My right wrist throbbed slightly when the memory of Adrian's latest assault rampaged my mind. The spirit users hadn't had the time nor energy to waste on fully healing a dhamphir, so they had healed my injuries just enough that I would be able to travel to the Belikov's.

Years of training brought my guardian mask slamming into place before anyone could gauge any emotion I might have given away. Fear is a very powerful thing, it could cause one to do extremely irrational things in the name of self-preservation. But I had every right to be afraid. I had every right to be petrified. He was going to kill me when I got back. The second he knew that someone knew about what he was doing to me, I was a goner. I nodded to Olena before heading up to my room. That night I dreamed of everything Adrian was going to do to me when he discovered that Yeva knew the truth.


	8. The Illusion of Safety

HEY GUYS, SORRY IT'S BEEN A WHILE! BUT I HOPE THE FACT THAT THIS CHAPTER IS A BIT LONGER THAN USUAL WILL MAKE YOU GUYS A BIT HAPPIER! ANYONE ELSE OUT THERE NOT GETTING YOUR ALERT E-MAILS? I HAVEN'T BEEN GETTING ANY E-MAILS FROM THIS SITE IN ALMOST A MONTH, BUT WHEN I LOOK IN TH VA ARCHIVES I SEE THAT THE STORIES/AUTHORS I'M SUBSCRIBED TO HAVE UPDATED OR POSTED A NEW STORY. MAKES ME SAD. :( ANYWAYS, WAS JUST CURIOUS.

THIS WILL BE THE LAST CHAPTER SET IN RUSSIA. THE NEXT ONE WILL BEGIN WITH EVERYONE ON A PRIVATE PLANE TO ST. VLADIMIRS. ENJOY!

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><p>Chapter 07: The Illusion of Safety<p>

_"Your subtleties, They strangle me; I can't explain myself at all. And all the wants- And all the needs. All I don't want to need at all._

_The walls start breathing. My mind's unweaving, maybe it's best you leave me alone._

_A weight is lifted on this evening, I give the final blow._

_When darkness turns to light, It ends tonight. It ends tonight. A falling star at least I fall alone. I can't explain what you can't explain. You're finding things that you didn't know_

_I look at you with such disdain"_ - It Ends Tonight by The All American Rejects

There were two days left of my trip to Russia and Viktoria was making sure that when I left the country this time, I'd have a life-time supply of souvenirs. As was Olena. I once thought shopping with Lissa was enough to mentally scar a person. . . let's just say that Olena, sweet, mothering Olena Belikova would put Lissa off of shopping for the rest of her life.

I'd already (against my will) finished all my shopping- Not that I'd needed to go shopping in the first place- so when Karolina decided that she need last minute items the day before we were scheduled to leave I was the first to volunteer to stay and pack. As sweet as Olena is, I'd rather face 20 angry Strigoi alone than go shopping with her again.

So while the Belikov family went out to but the last of the supplies they'd need at the academy, I stayed at their house to get as much packing done as I could. Unfortunately, Dimitri decided that he would stay back with me, "to help me with the heavier boxes" is what he'd claimed. His family bought his excuse, knowing that because it was daylight that there was no chance of being attacked by Strigoi.

I knew the real reason why he stayed. He was planning on hounding be about all the 'oddities of my behavior'. Dimitri was a very tactical man. He knew that I'd been keeping him at a distance by staying close to his mother and grandmother. I bet he'd been waiting for the chance to get my away from them.

My suspicions were confirmed when he shut the door behind his family and shot me a look that clearly said "You have no one to hide behind now. It's time to talk."

I quickly ducked into the kitchen to begin packing, knowing he would be less likely to pester me if I was doing what I'd stayed behind to do.

As gently as I could, I began to wrap all the dishes in newspaper and place them securely in the large box next to me. Fully aware of the Russian Giant watching me from the door, I moved on to the next pile of plates that needed packing. Only to see that I was out of paper to wrap it with. I'd somehow have to get past Dimitri to the sitting room in order to get some more.

As I approached him, I'd hoped that he would move aside. He knew what I needed. I prayed that he would at least let me get the paper so I could finish packing. I knew that if I got to that paper, I would stall as long as I possibly could until his family got home.

Almost as though he could read my thoughts, Dimitri shifter to reveal his full height, effectively blocking my escape route.

And then he did the one thing I was most terrified of.

He started walking towards me.

Each step Dimitri took towards me forced me to step back towards the table until I was pressed against the edge.

"Roza. My Roza." He nuzzled his face into the crook of my neck.

My head became light and my breathing became shallow and labored. Too close. He's too close!

"S-stop." All my prayers went completely unanswered as Dimitri placed his arms on either side of me, trapping me between him and the table. I hesitantly put my hangs to his chest in a weak attempt to push him away from me. As I tried to calm my breathing, I began to put pressure behind my arms and I lifted my head to meet his eyes.

My eyes widened as my hands dropped and my air supply rushed from my lungs. Terror, pure unadulterated terror flamed through me.

Because it wasn't Dimitri who had me trapped against the table. It was Adrian.

Tears burned the back of my eyes as I started to tremble. _Oh God. Why is Adrian here? How did he get here? _

I brought up a hand to cover my face as I curled slightly into myself, my other arm doing it's best to guard my stomach and chest from what we knew was coming next.

A large hand gripped my wrist firmly, causing a petrified squeak to rip from my throat.

"Roza!" _Dimitri. Dimitri's here! Why isn't he helping me! Why the hell isn't stopping Adrian from hurting me! He promised he wouldn't let anything happen to me. _

He promised me.

I don't know why, that though he'd broken so many to me, this promise seemed to mean everything to me in that moment.

He promised to protect me.

He'd protect me from Adrian the same way he'd protected Olena from his father.

I gathered all my strength and began to struggle against Adrian's grasp. I did my best to squirm scratch and claw my way from Adrian. Until another hand snatched my free arm.

"Stop, Roza. Stop fighting." Dimitri's grip was firm as my body went slack.

Dimitri was on Adrian's side. He wasn't going to make Adrian stop. He was going to hold me down as Adrian hit me.

Tears fell down my cheeks like rain from the sky. I shook while my misery poured from my eyes. I wanted to plead with Dimitri to help me. I wanted to beg Arian to let me go. To leave me alone. But I knew my words would fall on deaf ears.

Dimitri had left me time and time again. He'd rejected me, kidnapped me, tortured me. He'd told me he didn't love me. He'd shunned me. He lied to me. Then he'd left me all over again.

Memories of the last time I'd been to Russia flooded my mind. It wasn't fair to blame Dimitri for what he did when he was a Strigoi. But by momentarily reliving those memories, I recalled what Dimitri Belikov was capable of. He his hands were capable of.

And Adrian? He would only take my cries as defiance and hurt me more.

"Dimka! Roza! We're back!" Olena seemed to have God sent timing at that moment and her voice washed over me like a bucket of ice water, clearing my mind.

I looked around cautiously. Adrian was nowhere to be found.

Only Dimitri and I were in the kitchen. No Adrian. Dimitri was the one gripping my shoulders.

A bemused Olena looked back and forth between me and her son.

I ripped myself from his grip, knowing he wouldn't protest as long as Olena was around.

I gave her a small nod before rushing out of the kitchen. On the way to my room I was stopped by a gentle hand softly grabbing mine. I lifted my head slightly to see Yeva looking at me with a deep sadness and anger in her eyes and I wondered briefly if I reminded her of her daughter back before Dimitri finally stood up to his father. Was that why she had been so protective of me?

The old Russian witch gave me a gentle hug before muttering something in her native tongue and nudging me toward my room, where I locked the door and cried myself to sleep.

It was after dinner when Dimitri cornered me in my, well _his, _bedroom.

As much as I hated it, I was expecting this altercation. I had left him with possibly hundreds of new questions this afternoon in the kitchen.

He entered without knocking. Most likely to keep his family from rushing to my rescue. I didn't bother getting up from the bed. I knew there wasn't anywhere to go.

He didn't bother with trying to intimidate me like he had in the kitchen.

"What happened in the kitchen?"

I stared him down, trying not to show him how scared I really was. Slamming my Guardian mask into place, I replied,

"I'd think that was obvious. You interrupted what I stayed here to do then forced me against the table and held me there."

"You know what I mean. Why did you act like I was going to hit you? Why did you cower away and start crying?" _Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to Comrade. _

"I have no clue what you are talking about." I kept my voice as monotone as I could.

"Roza." his voice softened to a gentle caress. " I can't help you if you won't tell what is wrong. I need you to help me help you. If not me, then tell my family. Trust me."

I froze at his words. _Trust me._ I had. Several times and look where it got me. Could I trust him? Should I? He hadn't judged his mother when she was being abused. Would he judge me?

I looked at the man in font of me. The man I had repeatedly given my heart to.

"Please, Roza."

The concern in his voice was real. I hadn't noticed him move closer, hadn't noticed him kneel in front of me. At this distance even my Russian God couldn't keep the slight watering of his eyes hidden.

I could tell him. He's understand.

I opened my mouth to tell him. To reveal my deepest secrets, and was sucker-punched my a head-ache the size of Europe. I slid sideways on the bed, clutching my head as though it would make the pain stop. For a moment I'd forgotten about Adrian's compulsion.

I didn't realize that I had a bloody nose until I felt the warm liquid run down my hand.

I gripped my nose with my hand.

"I'd appreciate it if you leave now Dimitri." He reached an arm towards me.

"Roza-"

"Leave, Dimitri."

"Ro-'

"NOW Dimitri." His face settled back into his perfect mask.

'I will when you tell me what just happened."

"No. Now leave."

"Tell me!"

"NO!"

"You're acting like a complete coward!"

"Dammit Dimitri! Just leave me the hell alone!"

He just would not give up! And at this point I wasn't sure of whether I should be scared that he could unintentionally end my life or happy some deep part of him cared enough to try to discover what was wrong.

"Tell me what's wrong!" He needs to just stop! Why won't he just stop asking me all these questions? Why won't he understand?

A very angry Russian stood over me as he backed me into the wall.

"No. Tell. Me. What. Is. Wrong!" He placed his hands on either side of my head, preventing my escape. As defiantly as I could I glared up at him.

"Nothing is wrong! Why the hell won't you just accept that already!"

"Because there is something wrong! You don't get bloody noses for no reason! You don't pass out when people get to close to you! Since when do you cower away from anyone? Since when do you cry and beg someone to leave you alone! And don't think I haven't noticed you staying close to my mother and Yeva so you could avoid me! What the hell is going on! This isn't you!"

"How do you know Dimitri? How do you know this isn't me?" He was so close to me. So close I could feel his breath fanning over my face, feel the warmth of his body. Part of me reasoned that it was okay for Dimitri to be this close. He wouldn't hurt me. He would protect me.

But the other part of me screamed that I couldn't trust him. And that part was one I couldn't really argue with. He'd broken my trust before. Why wouldn't he turn his back on me again?


	9. Reminders of Love That Won't Grow

Chapter 08: Reminders of Love That Will Never Grow

_"It's been so long I'm growing. we've lost the only one who can fix me, now it's me who's breaking down. I know you see me broken but there's so much unspoken; please give us hope._

_Because I'll never let you go._

_It's not that I'm forgiving myself. It's just I'm going through hell, to try and think of words to save me._

_It's not so much I am missing you. It's more like I'm so lost without you. I give anything for you to just take me._

_As you tell me good bye, I see that look in your eyes. I never wanted you to break down, we found real love in this cold world. Isn't that what life is about? We can get away from this town!_

_I know exactly how I hurt you. There's nothing left but the truth, we can change this life __one step at a time. I know there's so much more, isn't that worth fighting for?_

_Honestly tell when you look at me and don't remember everything! You're scared and that's okay. I'll show you there's a way for us to truly be something happy._

_As you tell me good bye, I see that look in your eyes.I never wanted you to break down, we found real love in this cold world. Isn't that what life is about? We can get away from this town!_

_I know exactly how I hurt you. There's nothing left but the truth, we can change this life __one step at a time. I know there's so much more, isn't that worth fighting for?" _Worth Fighting For by Katy McAllister

The plane ride back to Montana felt like it would never end - Not that I wanted it too, I'd have been perfectly fine if the hunk of metal never left Russian soil. And yet, I couldn't wait to land in Montana either, though that was due to the elderly gentleman I was unlucky enough to get stuck by for eleven hours.

I'd been sitting next to him for less than three hours and had pretty much learned his entire life story. For example, he was an eighty-two year old Montana native who had fought in two wars, was married to one woman for twenty years, owned a successful security firm, and had earned over sixty awards; most of which stemmed form his military career. That's just what I'd learned from the first hour and a half.

It was closer to the second hour that he thought he should be polite and introduce himself. Alexander Kodan's wife, Allie, filed for a divorce on their twentieth wedding anniversary. He spent the next forty minutes droning on an on about how unexpected his divorce had been. I suppose I should have admired Alexander for his career or maybe pitied him for the loss of his marriage. But those emotions are _really _hard to feel when an ancient pervert is taking every chance he could to cop-a-feel at me.

I'd only given up my window seat because an old man had "wanted to admire a beautiful ocean". Turns out, he just wanted an excuse to brush his hand across my chest every time the Flight Attendant offered him something. It was after his fourth or fifth feel that he told me the most likely reasoning behind Allie dumping him like last weeks trash.

Alexander was not only an ancient pervert, he was also a sexist, egotistical jerk who thought (even at the ancient, ripe at of eighty-two) that he was God's gift to women. Alexander believed that it didn't matter that he came home every night selling like his secretary. He worked for his home and it didn't matter that he was married, in his mind, he should be allowed to sleep with who-ever he wanted when he wanted.

In my opinion, Allie would have been an idiot to stay with him any longer. Personally, I'd have shot him and his little girlfriend both. But hey, that's just me.

It was roughly half way through the flight when I got so disgusted that I escaped under the lie that I had to use the bathroom. I was trudging to the bathroom as slowly as I possibly could when I spotted my savior- a miserable looking boy seated next to Paul Belikov. The boy couldn't have been older than ten and looked like he wanted nothing more than to stab himself in the eye with a fork.

I glanced back at the old man who was smiling at a petite brunette flight attendant before making a beeline for the coach section of the plane.

"Hey." I said as I crouched down next to him. "Are you enjoying the flight?"

He looked at me wide-eyed before stuttering something in terrified Russian.

_Ah. Communication issues. Gotta love 'em. NOT._

"Hey Paul? Mind playing translator for me? Thanks. Can you repeat what I just asked?"

He translated quickly, seemingly grateful to have something to do. Can't really blame the kid though, long plane rides suck. The little boy muttered something back and I turned to Paul expectantly.

"He says the seats are cramped there are too many people being put too close together." _Bingo. _

"Ask him if he would like to trade me seats. Tell him that he can even go check it out first. It's the second row on the right side on the first class section; a row seat. He can go check it out then come back and tell us his answer."

Big brown eyes shot me an accusing look when was Paul finished. I moved out of his path and motioned to my seat with my hand. I gave the child a level stare and after a moment he snapped something to Paul.

"He wants to know why you would want to give your fancy seat to a kid." Sometimes it was easy for me to forget that kids don't often trust adults. And many of those kids don't trust adults for a good reason.

"I just want to sit with you guys."

Paul tittered with the boy, no doubt explaining how he knew me. When they were done the boy sent me one last withering look before taking off down the aisle. Not two minutes later, the boy came back looking like a kid in a candy store on Christmas morning, exclaiming something I couldn't understand.

"He's talking about what an amazing seat you have." I relaxed myself into his seat before asking;

"Trade?" We didn't even need Paul for the boy to understand what I wanted. With an overly enthusiastic nod the boy was off to his new luxury seat.

Most of the Belikov family looked confused as to why I would trade my luxury seat for a seat in coach. Yeva just smirked at me. The kooky old bat most likely knew about the old lech who was more than likely scowling out his window right about now.

* * *

><p>When the plane landed, cold dread flooded my body. After switching seats with the boy - who had the time of his life harassing Alexander- the flight went by too quickly; Dimitri and I passed the time by telling his family about St. Vladimir's and the Royal Moroi Court.<p>

I was surprised to discover that with the exception of Dimitri, none of the Belikov's had ever left Russia. Though it was easy to believe, Yeva had some firm beliefs that women should graduate then settle down and continue the blood-line, while men should continue on to become Guardians.

Getting though security at the airport was a total nightmare. It was common practice for Court to send out an Alchemist to get us and our weapons through the gates without drawing unwanted attention. But in our case, the court couldn't be bothered to help the "Guardian-screw-up" and the family or the "ex-strigoi". So long story short, we got to sit in individual lock-down rooms until Alberta and an Alchemist showed up to spring us.

To say that Alberta was irritated would have been a huge understatement, though she was hiding it well behind her Guardian Mask.

I have no idea how they pulled it off, but within an hour, we were collecting our carry-on baggage and headed to the parking lot.

What awaited us was not what I expected to see, and yet at the same time I couldn't exactly say that I was surprised either. Had there been a Moroi with us, there would have been some sort of SUV waiting for us. Instead our trusty steed was a Cloud White Chevy Astro Van in all it's glory with Stan at the wheel. At least they hadn't expected us to walk all the way to the academy.

Seating everyone in the van turned out to be rather easy, if not a little cramped. Yeva, Olena, Karolina, and Zoya were seated in the far back being that they were the smallest. Zoya, who was roughly three, was nestled on her mothers lap in a way that made it impossible to see her from the outside.

Sonya had her two-year-old daughter covered in her lap in a way similar to Zoya. Paul and squished themselves together just enough that Viktoria could squeeze in next to them on the middle bench. Stan stayed at the wheel and Alberta got the front passengers seat. All that was left was to decide where I would sit. Finally it was decided that I would sit in the very back on top of the carry-on luggage. Our seating arrangements were highly illegal, but necessary.

Thankfully, once we were out of Missoula we mostly used the side and country roads, which meant less stops or chances of getting pulled over by a cop. On the down side, that meant we hit a lot more bumps. Which hurt. A lot. Not that anyone noticed. They were all currently wrapped up in a game of random questions. I was mostly ignoring them until one was aimed at me.

"Rose?"

"Hm? Yeah Alberta?"

"You didn't hear a single thing we were saying did you? Never mind. Guardian Belikov was asking about the MTA. It would be best for you to explain everything." I was about to answer her when Viktoria interrupted.

"Why would Roza know so much about the Moroi Training Act?"

"Because she runs it. Rosemarie has been in-charge of training the Moroi to fight for two years now. Belikov, you are meant to be her partner." Damn Stan. He knows I hate my full name.

"It's _Rose _Stan. NOT Rosemarie." I could almost hear the smugness in his tone, amused that I had risen to his bait.

"Adrian Ivashkov is in your class isn't he? How is that working out for you?"

At that moment I was glad that no one in the van could see me as I flinched. He knew about the whole Dimitri-Adrian scandal that went down when we brought Jill Mastrano-Dragomir back to court to give Lissa her Quorum. And now he was rubbing the fact that I lost them both in my face. Asshat.

"Lord Ivashkov along with several other non-royal Moroi make up the elder class. There are a total of fifteen Moroi in Roses group. You'll find that there is not much more that you will be able to teach them Guardian Belikov. Rose has done an exemplary job with them, had they been born as Dhamphirs, they would have been top-notch Guardians."

Leave it to Alberta to praise me for training the man who beat me.

"Has Kirova finished the placements?" Maybe I could change the topic.

"Because of your escapade to Russia your senior year, she has actually left the final placement results to you Rose." My silence must have given way to my confusion because Alberta continued, "She thought that because you spent time with them outside of business, you'd have a better idea of where they would fit in with the rest of the campus." I nodded though no one could see me.

"Makes sense." Of course it does Dimitri. "But why Rose? I know my family better than anyone else." I peaked over the seat to see Alberta and Stan glance warily at each other.

"The council is worried that you may have an overly biased or protective view. Among other things." Of course. They didn't want a man who was once a Strigoi to have any say in the workings of court. Though why they would let me was beyond confusing. The court had always hated me, maybe Hans had something to with it. Judging by all the Belikov's faced besides Paul's and Zoya's, they all seemed to understand the implications of 'among other things' as well.

"Paul, Viktoria, and Zoya will be the easiest to place. Paul is roughly thirteen and will be put in a class with the others his age. Zoya will stay with Sonya most of the time when the preschool is out. It will do her a lot of good to start socializing with the other children. Viktoria is on the verge of graduating. Trails are coming up soon so Viktoria will need a mentor and I recommend Dimitri. You may think that he will go easy on her because she's his little sister, you're wrong. He'll be tougher on her because he wants her to succeed. He'll push her past her limits and she'll flourish. Also, there is no need to disrupt my class with a different curriculum when the school year is almost over. Dimitri will be able to help his family settle in while seeing how we handle the MTA. Honestly it's a win-win situation for him and the future MTA classes. Allowing Dimitri to see how Alberta and I handle our classes will help him plan out a new curriculum that will help the Moroi learn better." Olena looked back over seat the look at me.

"What about the rest of us?" I could almost feel her anxiety, her fear of her family being separated. I gave her a soft, reassuring smile and patted her on her shoulder.

"You and Yeva will for sure be sharing a cabin on the border of the forest of the campus. As for Sonya, Kaorlina, Zoya, and the baby, they will be put in rooms according to what they choose to do in the academy. They will either be put in a cabin close to yours or given staff rooms. Don't worry. You'll never be that far from each-other, that much I can promise."

The old van slowed to a stop as Alberta let us know we had arrived at the academy. I've never been to St. Basils Academy in Russia, but judging by the awe on the Belikov's faces, it was nothing like St. Vladimir's. To me, a person who had lived here virtually my whole life, the buildings resembled something of a really old mansion or castle. But to the Belikov's who lived in a small commune, it must have seemed like a work of true architecture.

The tour of the campus seemed to take forever. Though the fact that Novice Guardians and Moroi alike wanted to rush up to meet Dimitri, who they proclaimed was a 'Russian Legend so amazing, not even being a Strigoi could keep him from his awesomeness as a Guardian'. Their words. Not mine. Poor Dimitri flinched every time one of them brought up his time as a Strigoi. It was when they finally calmed down and took notice of me that the kids finally scurried away.

"Sorry about that. They tend to get excited when someone they consider a celebrity comes here." Viktoria looked like she wanted to throttle someone as Alberta apologized.

Karolina and Sonya were sold when they saw the Kindergarten section of the academy. It was arranged almost immediately that they be given rooms in the staff quarters. After dropping them off at their rooms and escorting Paul and Viktoria to their new dorms, Yeva and Olena followed me to my room while Alberta took Dimitri to his. Dimitri took one look at my room number and raised an eyebrow in my direction, clearly remembering it had previously been his.

"For the record," I told him. "I wasn't given a choice."

Once Alberta led him away, I opened the door of my room.

The two eldest Belivoka's looked around my room and looked at each other before looking at me. It was easy to understand why they were confused, I had no personal belongings in my room. Anyone who came in here could easily confuse it with a well kept open room. The only sign that someone lived in here was the bathroom where I kept my necessities.

"Don't worry," I said as I silently urged them to sit on my bed. "We are allowed to decorate, I just didn't see the point." Yeva gave me a pointed look and sat on my bed as Olena gave me a small sad smile. It didn't take long after that for Olena to begin questioning me.

"Where are you going to place me and Yeva, Roza? We have very few skills to offer to an academy!" Poor Olena was going to give herself an anxiety attack if she kept psyching herself out.

"Actually, You have quite a few skills that other female Damphirs lack. For one, you know your way around kids. I know they would welcome you in the kindergarten or elementary sections of the academy offers a course in Russian to the Moroi. You could become a teachers for any of the levels for that course because you were born and raised in Russia. When I first showed up on your doorstep I was injured and you were able to help me. That opens up a position in the medical wing. You can cook, that gives you a position in the kitchens. Things you do on a daily basis at home are actually quite valuable skills here. I don't need an answer right now. You can think on it for a few days and then give me an answer."

The older Russian damphir embraced me in a motherly hug.

"Thank you Roza." I gave her a small smile.

"I've learned from experience that when you're in a strange country, it helps to have someone you know there to help out."

I cast a doubtful eye at the old witch sitting in on my bed.

"As for Yeva, we could just leave her be. Or have her on Hall Duty." The image of Yeva with a cane yelling at some poor novice in Russian popped into my head. "No. Definitely not. We'll just let her do as she wishes."

* * *

><p>In the end Olena decided to try the position at the medical wing first. Something I can say I wasn't very happy with. I hated lying to a woman who was almost like a mother to me, but I'd be doing a lot of that in the future if she decided to stay there. While most of the staff was willing to believe that I got the injuries from the one-on-one sessions, Olena was abused by a Moroi as well. She would be able to discern the signs better than anyone.<p>

An hour later I was was with my class, walking them through the regiment for the rest of the year.

"And we also have a guest."

I gave a small gesture behind me.

"This is Guardian Belikov. He will be with us for the majority of the remaining time of this year. His job is to observe to gain knowledge on MTA and help make the system more efficient for the future classes. Starting next year he will be my co-teacher, by then you will all be graduated and most of you may think that his being here does not effect you. Wrong! During his observation periods, he will keep track of those of you who seem to think it is okay to slack off. His being here will also double as a perception test as most of the time he is here, you will not see him. Your test will be to perceive when he is here using your senses while concentrating on class. You will come to me and sign a form for each day that you think he is here. On the last day, we will put up your marks of who actually were able to tell he was here and who was guessing. Good luck! Starts warm-ups." Out of the corner of my eyes I saw Adrian go rigid at the mention of Dimitri's name.

Class went fairly easily that day. Most Moroi knew Dimitri's reputation, both before and after being turned then turned back and probably didn't want to attract any attention to themselves. Although I suspect that about half the class respected him and pushed themselves to try and gain his approval. Adrian, though, was twice as enthusiastic as the rest of the class when it came time to staking Dummies. He alternated through all of them but seems to favor the two that most resembled Dimitri and I. Every time he staked one, I tried not to wince; but the satisfied gleam in his eyes made me want to go hide under my bed.

Dimitri's phone went off just as class was ending. I couldn't exactly hear what was being said from my position on the opposite side of the gym, but when he turned to me, it was pretty clear. Kirova needed him for some reason and he had to leave.

A lead weight dropped into my stomach at the same time as spikes or terror snaked up my back. Without Dimitri, I had no protection from Adrian. As much as I wanted to keep Dimitri with me, I knew I couldn't. I gave him a small nod of acknowledgement and turned back to my class. I had them re-stretch their muscles or walk to cool themselves out before dismissing them for the night.

* * *

><p>I was putting the practice dummies back into place when I heard him.<p>

"So that's where the little Blood Whore has been? Did you think that bringing Belikov here would help you?" Adrian grabbed my hair and pulled me towards him. It felt as though he had ripped all my hair out in his mission to grasp me by my neck. "Did you? Look around! Do you see him coming to your rescue? Do you? Cause I sure as hell don't!"

What I did next racked up in my top three stupidest stunts I've ever pulled in the face of danger; I spit at Adrian. Emerald green eyes glared at me while he wiped the saliva off his cheek.

"Did being with Belikov give you some back-bone? Well that won't do. Look at me Rose."

I knew what he wanted so I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head in terror. Adrian tsked before smacking me and roughly grabbing my chin in an iron grip. In the shock of the hit I opened my eyes and was snared by his compulsion.

"I don't know why we have to do this every time Rose. You won't fight me. You won't defend yourself. You won't scream. You won't tell anyone. Will you Rose? This little secret will stay between us, won't it?" I nodded my head, unable to resist his magic. I was able to keep the tears at bay. I refused to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry again.

He had me trapped and he knew it.

The beating that followed was by far the worst I'd received by far. I'd thought it was going to last forever, I was certain that Adrian was going to kill me, when by the grace of Angels I'd never believed in I heard someone approaching. And so did Adrian.

He hauled me to my feet before glaring at me and taking off towards the locker-room.

The solid click and squeak of the door opening seemed to bounce off the high walls of the gym.

"Alberta and the guardians have been looking for you Rosemarie. You're more than twenty -" Relief slid through me, weakening my knees with every step he took. My legs gave way, dropping me into the semi-darkness of the room. I never fully hit the ground, and as I looked up into my saviors face I knew only one thing for absolute sure.

I had never in my life been so thankful to see my annoying ex-teacher Stan.

* * *

><p><strong>Authors Note<strong>

: I just wanted to clear up a few things so there wouldn't be anymore confusion. Adrian has never rapped Rose. He may be a total douche right now, but he's smarter than that. For one, the gym (where he usually beats her. People at the academy won't pay much attention to bangs and shout coming from there) would smell like sex. Anyone who walked into the gym and saw Rose in that condition and smelled sex would have a rape kit performed on her. It would be confirmed that she had been rapped and a DNA match test would be performed on all the Moroi and Dhamphir men to find the Culprit. Right now he wants her to suffer, so he wouldn't compel her to enjoy sex with him. There is also the off chance that she could get pregnant. How would he explain that?

Also, Adrian did not compel Rose to have nosebleeds. The nosebleeds are an after-effect of her trying to fight his compulsion. So are the headaches. I'm sorry for any confusion that may have been caused. :)

And last but not least, Adrian is the way he is for a very specific reason. I want to see how many of you can correctly guess why that is. Think back to the VA books. What were some of the effects of Spirit on the Shadow-kissed bond? Then think about Adrian in the book. What are some of the major differences of what he was able to do then that he is unable to do now? Then read the earlier chapters of _LOVE is a Four Letter LIE_. I've dropped a lot of hints. If you think you know the answer then send me a p.m. at my profile on ff, to ChildOfTheNight on wattpad, or ashley_mead .

And really quick guys, I know it takes me a while to update. But there is a lot going on in my life so I just don't have the time to write several hours a day. I'm not giving up my stories. I will continue to update. But PLEASE top sending me angry messages about how its too short, then more angry messages about how I'm taking so long. I'm doing my best. :/ This chapter is 2x the length of the previous one and 4x the length of most of them and I hope you enjoyed it.

Ashley of Ashterbowden


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